Home Repair Blues
Maybe it was the burritos or the six pumpkin dacari’s I consumed, I can’t really recall much from that night except that it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
I don’t remember whether I had passed out on the toilet and was dreaming or whether or not I had one of those waking alcoholic hallucinations, kind of like where you think you’re talking to your best friend but in reality you’re really talking to a light pole. Just for the record I am not insane and I don’t do drugs.
Just bear with me while I tell my tale of horror and grit in the bathroom from hell!
I was at a friend’s house. It was just past midnight, the Halloween party was going well and I needed to use the bathroom, unfortunately both the upstairs bathroom and the main floor bathroom were occupied and I wanted to use the lavatory real bad before I pissed myself.
I practically hopped over to the host with my legs crossed as I tried to hold it in and screamed over the blasting music if he had another bathroom. He kind of looked at me funny in a weird sort of way and pointed to the basement.
But then he warned me, “I rarely go down there.” he said, “It gives me the creeps, besides the lighting is all screwed up, it turns on an off by itself and makes crackling sounds like its shorted out or something.
I already talked to the landlord but you know how they are, anything to save a buck…” and with that he turned away to continue talking to some lady in a nurse costume. I didn’t care, I really needed to go, it was either down stairs or in the hamper and I’m pretty sure our friendship would have suffered greatly if I did that.
I turned on the flickering light and trotted down the stairs in a hurry but stopped abruptly when the basement suddenly went dark. Right then and there, I almost turned back but at that moment the lights came back on again and I mustered some courage and made my way down into a small hallway.
The Bathroom From Hell
At the end, in the shoddy light, I could see the bathroom. The upstairs ruckus was strangely muffled down here, it smelled musty and damp.
I entered the bathroom and quickly snapped on the light. As the fluorescent s flickered like a strobe light, it cast an eerie twilight zone greenish glow over everything. I was appalled; it was like the retro bathroom from hell.
Welcome to the Bates Motel I thought. It was then that a chill ran through my body and I shivered as I realized how cold it was down there. There were splotches of mold on the walls, which might as well have been splatters of blood for all I could tell in the poor light.
Or maybe it was blood covered in mold, whatever. The shower tiles were chipped and some had even fallen off the walls, now lay on the floor broken, covered in a thick layer of dust.
In the shower where the tiles once were there was a jagged black hole in the wall about the size of my head as if someone had taken a sledge hammer to it in a dismal attempt at some kind of bathroom renovation.
I tried the tap to see if it worked but quickly turned it off when it began to moan, sputter and then shake violently as it tried to throw up the water. One of the doors of the vanity was broken and hung on one hinge, the shards of wood poking dangerously into the air.
Both the bathroom sink faucet and the showerhead dripped, alternating turns, they tried to out drip each other. The mirror was fractured as I stared at my anthropomorphically distorted reflection; I had 6 eyes, 4 mouths and a multifaceted cone shaped head, it was like staring into one of those fun-house mirrors you see at the carnivals.
The bathroom was nasty. I looked over to the toilet and my stomach heaved, there was no way I was sitting on that. I don’t think it had been cleaned in years but I had to use it, my bladder desperately needed to be emptied.
To Make Matters Even Worse
Standing over the toilet, in a flurry of action I undid my pants and with a sigh of relief and joy I cocked my head back as I gave a liquid offering into the gaping mouth of the porcelain god.
Now I don’t know if that spider was waiting for me to open my mouth or whether it was just bad timing but I do recall spitting it out and slapping myself silly trying to get it off my face as I tripped and fell, pissing all over my leg as my arm sank elbow deep into the murky waters of the toilet.
I reeled in disgust scrambling to my feet and I could feel the slimy water ooze down my arm. Instinctive I turned on the faucet to be greeted by a loud moaning sound as it sputtered and shook sending out discolored septic scalding hot water.
I let out a shriek in pain and shock, whipping around off balance to trip over the bath tub. My arm flailed and slipped into the gaping black hole in the shower. Something warm soft and fuzzy let out a snarl and claws tore into my hand.
Two glowing angry eyes appeared out of the darkness and I flung myself back in terror against the vanity. The black cat that had been sleeping in the hole hissed at me as it sprang past me and bolted out the door and into the darkness down the hall.
I thought I was going to have a heart attack as I grasped my chest hyperventilating uncontrollably and tried to regain my composure. My body was shaking and cold sweat beaded my forehead; I had never been so scared in all my life.
I had to get out of there; maybe the basement was really haunted I thought! I quickly wiped the slime off my arm with toilet paper and threw it into the toilet. On my way out the bathroom, almost as an afterthought I flushed the toilet and to this day I swear I could hear a gurgling cackle laughter that said, happy Halloween to all and to all a good night!
No more dacari’s for me!